Just For Fun: Various Jokes

JUST FOR FUN

A VARIETY OF HUMOR

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES...

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, -There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens. How did you know? his mother asked. Daddy picked them up and looked underneath he replied. I think it's printed on the bottom.

Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, -Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet. He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, -Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet.

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers. A little voice from the back of the room asked, -How will that help?

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken the boy explained. I'm looking for the seal.

"Can people predict the future with cards?" "My mother can." "Really?" "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked= ked back and was turned to salt. His son asked, What happened to the flea?"

A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN.

Enduring Labor

The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"

"Oh, no." The man shook his head.

The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoot hly. As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing franticall y in the hall. "She's doing so well," she assured him. "Wouldn't you like to at least come in and see her?"

The man seemed to hesitate slightly, then shook his head again. "No, no, I couldn't do that." He jingled car keys in his sweaty palm and resumed h is pacing.

The nurse went back into the room and coached Mom's valiant efforts in pushing the baby into the world. As the baby's head began to exit the b irth canal, the nurse raced to the hall, grabbed the man by his elbow, and dragged him to the bedside saying, "You have got to see this!"

At that very moment, the baby boy was born and placed on the tummy of the mother whose radiant smile shone through her tears. The man began to cry openly. Turning to the nurse, he sobbed. "You were right! This is the greatest moment in my life!"

By now, the nurse, too, was tearful. She put her arm around him, and he rested his head on her shoulder. She soothed, "No one should miss the bir th of their son."

"This isn't my son," the man blubbered. "This isn't even my wife. I've never seen her before in my life. I was just bringing the car keys to my buddy across the hall!"

Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .do you think we'll ever find them? He said. I don't know kid there are so many places they can hide.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.

"What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..."

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet clos= e and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT Submitted by iVillager S. Joan H.

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

3 new bonds are being issued: * Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity * Gore bond: Has no interest * Clinton bond: Has no principle.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that go cheap?" The Clerk says, "No, We have birds that go cheep, our dogs go BARK!"

Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the heck out of the dog.

Q: What's the Indian word for "lousy hunter"?

A: Vegetarian

* A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

From: ~AIKEN DRUM~ <doughels@erols.com> If this happened to me I'd quit taking the bus

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride. He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?" The reply is, "l got this in the war." Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times. So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?" Again the answer is, "l got this in the war." Fred moves. The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war." His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. l can't get it off of my hand."

How to Tell if You're a Grinch

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

---------------------------------------------------------

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Be Kind To The Doggie -

Little Johnnie was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Johnnie, I know you love Wilbur, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

Little Johnnie thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Agnes was here!"

Contributed by: Rodney

From: "Geoffrey (Jeff) Nickerson" <Geoffrey@allworld.net>

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque of names that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque, he said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

Two wayward Christians were arguing about The Bible. One said, "I know more about The Bible than you." The other said, "No I know more than you" Finally, The first one said, "I'll bet you a hundred bucks that you cannot quote The Lord's prayer," The other said you are on, put it up" They put up their money and the guy, says, "Alright go ahead and quote it" The other says, "Alright, here goes. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray The Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray The Lord my soul to take." The other guy says, "Well, man here is your hundred, I didn't think you knew it"

Larry Taylor ltaylor@indian-creek.net http://www.indian-creek.net/larrytaylor

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"

I would like to thank the people at freesitetemplates.com for supplying the templates used. Give them a visit below.